As a former hostage negotiator for the Metropolitan Police, Nicky Perfect has developed a unique skillset that can be surprisingly applicable to the challenges of parenting. In a recent interview with the BBC’s Parenting Download podcast, she shared three key techniques from her high-pressure career that she believes can help parents stay calm and in control.
The first tactic is the “no choice choice” – reframing a situation to give children a sense of control, while still guiding them to the desired outcome. For example, instead of simply telling a child to put on their coat, you could offer the choice of putting it on in the house or when they go outside. This can help limit immediate resistance.
Secondly, Perfect advises waiting 90 seconds before responding in sensitive situations. As an FBI agent once told her, “your job in life is not to change people… the only thing you can choose is how to respond.” This pause can prevent an emotional outburst and allow for a more measured reaction. Perfect used this approach when her stepdaughter wanted to spend Christmas Day with her other parent, initially feeling upset but ultimately accepting her choice.
The third technique is to actively consider the child’s perspective. “It’s called the ‘power of’ negotiation, because if you give people reasons why something should or shouldn’t happen, they’re more likely to accept it,” Perfect explains. For example, with bedtime battles, she suggests gradually weaving the night-time routine into the conversation, so the child feels more involved and aware of what’s coming, even if they don’t necessarily like it.
While being a parent and a hostage negotiator may not seem like an obvious pairing, Perfect’s experience has given her a unique toolkit for defusing tense situations at home. By employing these strategies, she believes parents can find a calmer, more collaborative approach to the daily challenges of raising children.
