In an era where emotional independence is often championed, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab invites us to reconsider the concept of dependency in her thought-provoking new book, *The Balancing Act*. Tawwab explores the fine line between healthy and unhealthy dependency, shedding light on how we can forge deeper connections with others without losing our individuality.
Understanding Dependency in Relationships
Many of us yearn for intimacy, yet the question of how close is too close often looms large in our minds. The landscape of dating advice frequently presents intimacy as a precarious balancing act. One misstep—whether it be pulling back too much or pushing for excessive closeness—can be viewed as a warning sign. Tawwab challenges this notion, suggesting that intimacy isn’t a one-size-fits-all scenario; rather, it varies widely among individuals and their respective relationships.
“Most relational skills are honed through experience,” Tawwab asserts. “What you like, what you don’t like, and how to navigate disagreements are all lessons taught through interaction.” She cautions against the common advice to remain single until one is fully prepared for a relationship, emphasising that many crucial skills can only be developed through engagement with others.
The Spectrum of Dependency
In contemporary discourse, codependency is often painted in a negative light, with terms like “enmeshment” emerging as red flags to watch for. Yet, Tawwab argues that dependency isn’t inherently detrimental. “When we first start dating, we often find ourselves in a delightful enmeshed phase,” she explains. However, she warns that over-reliance can lead to a loss of personal identity and unrealistic expectations of one’s partner.
The stigma surrounding the concept of dependency is exacerbated by a cultural narrative that venerates independence to an unrealistic degree. Tawwab reminds us that total self-sufficiency is a myth; we are all interconnected. “Everything we have—from our clothes to our groceries—comes from someone else. We are already dependent,” she states.
This healthy form of dependency involves establishing a support system, setting boundaries, and recognising when a relationship is becoming overly reliant. Tawwab underscores the importance of being aware of our needs and the need for compromise in building meaningful connections.
Transforming Attachment Styles
Often, dating advice paints individuals with certain attachment styles as unchangeable. Tawwab challenges this fatalism, asserting, “We can use attachment styles as a crutch: ‘This is who I am.’ But you can change your attachment style.” This flexibility in emotional responses can be particularly valuable when navigating differing comfort levels in intimacy.
For instance, someone may perceive their partner’s close relationship with family as stifling, whereas it might simply be a reflection of their partner’s background. Tawwab advises cultivating curiosity about such differences rather than acting purely on instinct. “If you notice feelings of anxiety, take a moment to ask yourself how you can respond differently,” she suggests.
Balancing Needs and Compromise
In relationships, the expectation of equal give and take can lead to disillusionment. Tawwab stresses that relationships are not always 50-50; instead, they require a nuanced understanding of each person’s strengths and weaknesses. “People often keep score, expecting their partner to meet all their needs, which can lead to conflict,” she notes.
The key is to embrace the unique contributions that each person brings to a relationship. A partner may excel at emotional support but struggle with communication, while a friend may be an excellent listener yet unreliable in social settings. “Rather than aiming for equality, we should focus on acceptance and understanding,” Tawwab advises.
Why it Matters
Tawwab’s insights into healthy dependency challenge the prevailing notion that independence should be the ultimate goal in relationships. By embracing the complexity of human connections, we can foster deeper, more fulfilling relationships without sacrificing our individuality. In a world that often promotes isolation, Tawwab’s message is both timely and essential: understanding the balance between dependency and autonomy can lead to richer, more connected lives. Recognising that vulnerability is a strength rather than a weakness opens the door to genuine connection—something we all crave.
