As the demands of parenting grow, many couples find their romantic connections fading. Rebecca Sommers, a mother of three, shares her experience of feeling increasingly disconnected from her husband over the past three years. With the challenges of raising young children, she reflects on how their relationship has transformed from a partnership into a co-parenting arrangement. “We are just cohabiting, like we’re not a couple. We are just parents,” she confides, highlighting a common struggle faced by many families.
The Shift in Dynamics
Rebecca and her husband have been together for a decade, but the arrival of their first child marked a significant change in their relationship. “We knew it was going to be different when we started trying for our first baby, but I think the gravity of it—we weren’t expecting how different it would be,” she admits. Transitioning from a full-time career to being a stay-at-home mother has amplified her feelings of isolation. While her husband continues with his routine, Rebecca feels the weight of her new responsibilities, leading to difficulty in expressing her emotions. “He knows it’s affected our relationship, but he’d never bring it up,” she explains.
Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist, echoes Rebecca’s sentiments, noting that it is entirely normal for relationships to evolve after the arrival of children. “There’s nothing that can prepare you for becoming parents,” she states. The early years of parenting often bring about the highest levels of relationship dissatisfaction, with studies indicating that couples frequently struggle most during the first three years following the birth of a child.
Adapting to Change
Moyle suggests that improving a relationship does not involve reverting to pre-parenthood dynamics but rather adapting to new circumstances. “It’s never going to look the same as it did before, but we have to think about it in a new way now,” she advises. Small gestures can foster connection, even in a busy household. She encourages couples to make time for simple acts of affection, such as hugs or quick kisses, which she refers to as “sexual currency.” These gestures can serve as vital links to deeper intimacy, helping partners feel closer amid the chaos of parenthood.
Another crucial aspect of nurturing a relationship is open communication. Moyle recommends setting aside quiet moments to discuss feelings and address any emotional distance that may have developed. “We often miss our partner’s attention,” she notes, emphasising the importance of investing in the relationship over time. “It takes work and adaptation, especially when we feel like we have nothing left.”
Reconnecting Beyond Parenting
Relationship coach Sam Owen advocates for couples to rediscover each other outside of their parental roles. “After children, you often need to get to know each other again,” she explains. Owen suggests that couples engage in shared activities—ranging from massages to cooking—while consciously prioritising connection. “It’s about creating a habit of connecting so it becomes part of your relationship,” she asserts. Physical intimacy, according to Owen, is essential for maintaining communication and reducing conflict within the partnership.
Since seeking advice from the CBeebies Parenting Helpline, Rebecca and her husband have implemented several strategies to enhance their relationship. They now enjoy distraction-free family meals and ensure they carve out time for themselves each evening after the children are asleep. “Relationships take work. If you both want it, you will always find a way back to each other. Don’t shy away from the hard conversations and hold tight,” Rebecca advises, embodying a commitment to nurturing their bond.
Why it Matters
The experiences shared by couples like Rebecca and her husband shed light on a significant yet often overlooked aspect of parenthood: the impact on romantic relationships. As families grow, the transition to co-parenting can lead to feelings of disconnection and isolation. Understanding the dynamics of these changes is crucial for couples who wish to maintain a healthy, supportive partnership. By prioritising communication, intimacy, and quality time, parents can navigate the challenges of family life while rekindling their romance, ultimately fostering a more fulfilling relationship amidst the joys and trials of parenthood.
