In the ever-evolving landscape of motherhood, the promise of finding support and camaraderie within mum groups has become a double-edged sword for many new mothers. As Martina, a 30-year-old Welsh mother, discovered, the very communities intended to uplift and empower can sometimes become breeding grounds for judgment, competition, and exclusion.
Martina’s experience at a baby signing class was a stark reminder of the toxic dynamics that can plague these groups. Faced with scoffing and disapproval from other mothers over her parenting choices, including bottle-feeding her son and opting for a caesarean delivery, Martina felt increasingly isolated and unwelcome. “It felt like it didn’t matter how much I tried,” she recalls. “These women just weren’t going to warm up to me.”
Martina’s story echoes the experiences of others, including American singer and actress Ashley Tisdale, who recently opened up about leaving a “toxic mom group” due to a pattern of exclusion. Clinical psychologist Dr Noëlle Santorelli explains that the insecurities, comparisons, and fear of exclusion that can arise in motherhood can feel almost primal, leading to subtle conflicts and passive-aggressive behaviour.
For Martina, the judgment began even before her son’s birth, when a woman she had connected with on a social networking app for new and expectant mothers stopped responding to her messages after learning about her planned C-section. “This is why I get so nervous about joining baby groups,” Martina tells the BBC. “Because people are so judgemental.”
The desire for support and community is understandable, particularly for new mothers who may feel socially isolated or struggling with postnatal depression. However, as Rachel’s experience in Virginia, USA, demonstrates, these groups can quickly devolve into toxic environments, with “small misunderstandings” escalating and individuals being ostracised.
Confronting the issue directly is often suggested as the “healthy” choice, but Santorelli cautions that this approach can sometimes do more harm, especially when there’s a power imbalance or children’s relationships are involved. Instead, she advises mothers to consider a gradual pulling back, particularly if the relationships are ones they can’t fully avoid.
Ultimately, the toxic dynamics within mum groups highlight the need for a more empathetic and supportive approach to motherhood. As Martina reflects, “You can’t win. When you’ve got a lot of friends who aren’t mothers, it feels like they can’t fully understand how difficult it can be. And then it’s even worse when you try and find mothers who do understand – they still judge you.”
